As I focus on the flames, I wonder: Are Phoenix really reborn out of the fire?

I had planned a review of my summer to be the next entry following the very long "Shaun Got F-ed in the A Good" entry that comes before this one (It had been hidden out of respect, but, well, to hell with that). But today is October 7th. The entire month of September has passed. My birthday has passed. So instead of tradition, I'm going to just randomly go off on life. This will probably be all over the place, but bear with me. Well, you all tend to anyway, and it's not like I don't have at least one interesting thing to talk about.

- School started in September, obviously. But before I write about that, let me put to bed, quite probably for the last time, my last outstanding issue. I spent the month of September trying to rectify some mistakes I had made in the last six to eight months, and to try to help someone realize that while dealing with their own shit. I failed. Not only did I fail, but I totally wasted my time. I allowed my unconditional love to blind me to the fact the person I loved no longer exists - not in any recognizable form I could see. Well, not entirely true - old habits existed. Feelins existed, actions, words, behavior. And I thought it was good, no, I had hope it was great. But I was fooled. The feelings were fought against, the actions were just comfortable habit. As I fought against those who mean the world to me, as I lied and went behind the backs of those I cherish and respect, I was ultimately made a fool of. I made her life full of depression because I still cared. I was toxic because I didn't think of her 100%, needing clairty and closure (And other things) for myself too. I was controlling because I warned her of a destructive force in her life and told her that, as a friend or whatever, I could not co-exist with it. I was mean because I watched her break down and told her to stop doing what she was doing, because I could see her confusion and sadness with her life. I was crazy (In the psycho way) because at the end of the day, I thought I knew her best of anyone, even better than herself in a lot of ways. I was wrong on all fronts. Every one. I don't know who she is. At all. Fact is, it can be easily, and effectively, argued that I wasted the entire month of September. So where do we stand now? Well, I'm blocked - the "Agent Orange of Aim" (See Rule X), amazingly enough by one of the main people who originally convinced me blocking was terrible (Bet you didn't know that one, did you? (The Hypocracy of long-term blocking ALONE....)) It's been about two weeks, and two birthdays later. I suppose the confirmation for me that I never knew the girl came when I sent her a Facebook message on her birthday, even when we both weren't speaking, because it's a birthday and even though she said she didn't want me around because I could 'ruin it', I sent it anyway (I haven't missed wishing her one since I met her in 10th grade - I was late two years ago, but I didn't miss it) and I never heard a peep on mine. Not a peep. No facebook, no e mail, nothing. First time in almost five birthdays that I got nothing from my old 'best friend'. And that was it for me. Well, almost. I saw an updated Facebook profile today (The last real link between us) and, for the first time in two weeks all of my progress in moving on was halted. I felt that punch in the gut again. And as I was debating if I should delete her, I saw something else. A journal entry. All fine and good, and yet there are things in there that are just....hurtful. And every time I think I heard it all from her end, she surprises me with something else that I never would have anticipated (The biggest? A line something like the people that get you out of things you needed to get out of in your life were only there for that purpose. After that, then they too go away. But it's worth it and worth the hurt I think because they made a tiny impact on your life.)Tiny impact, indeed. Two years (Five if you count friendship), personal growth, personality change, love, firsts, yeah....tiny impact indeed. Whatever. She has made her choices and she will deal with them. She doesn't regret anything, and that's fine. The loss of love, of a best friend, is hard. But I've reached the point where I no longer can deal with it. I can't fix it, or her. She can't fix her and had no intention of fixing it. I look at it as a tremendous loss in a lot of ways, yet a necessary event too. She was a downright mean, selfish person in the end, who lied about a lot of things (Oh, the pain from that. You have no idea....) and whom I put a lot of faith in. Everything that happened has rocked my foundations to the core, and yet, I am probably much better off without her around.....this new her anyway. The old one? Well, if she even existed, there's always going to be a place in my life for her. Always.

- My birthday was this past weekend. I turned 20. (Yeah, I know, I'm young. Stop reminding me) The teenage years are officially over, and adulthood, real adulthood, looms ever closer, just waiting to smack me in the face sometime soon and wake me up from this fake, dream-like state of life that is college. But, enough of that - we partied hard at home and it was an AWESOME time. I seriously have the best family ever, and the friends that could make it (And those of you that couldn't) are the best people I know, period. I had good times up at Ramapo on Friday (Not for my birthday, but that doesn't matter) and I went home Saturday to one of the best parties we've ever thrown at our house. I drank, I ate, I played beer pong in the backyard - it was awesome. Truly awesome. I also blacked out for the second time in my life, and I'm missing the memory of about seven hours of my life, haha. But no need to focus on the negative - I had a great time.

- To everyone, from Facebook to in person to the party and back, who went out of their way to take the time to send me birthday wishes, or hang out, and make me feel special, I thank you. This semester I've learned, quite quickly and sometimes harshly, what a lot of people are really like. I've met new people and I've reinforced bonds with the old ones. I can say now that I have, easily, the best friends I've ever had the pleasure and honor of calling friends/buddies/bros. A special shout out to two: Anton, you're a good man and thanks for riding my ass for updating this blog AND making Ethics class fun AND renewing my faith in Nintendo; Kati, you're the best, and the birthday picnic? Just so sweet AND awesome - you're one of the coolest girls I know.

- Ghetto Dan is still my best friend.

- I know I don't comment on MySpace enough love, so how about a personal shotout in the blog? Kristin - you're easily one of the best people I know here and I wish we started talking like we are when I first met you oh so long ago (last semester, haha).

- Classes are classes, what can I say? They're tedious and I doubt they're helping me clear the fog out of my head as to where I want to go in life, but, then again, who knows. I'm sure it'll come to me at some point, like a light bulb....right? Right???

- As I pick up the pieces of my life/mind/heart/soul, I admit I have been an incredibly bitter person. Fact is, I put all my faith and devotion into a truth that turned out to be a lie and it shook me. Yeah, we've been there. So, I guess I'm looking to 'find myself' and I'm trying new things. Some would say crazy new things. Fact is, I'm doing all of the things I was blasted for not doing over the past two years. I'm going out. I'm partying. I'm drinking (Some are saying too much - we'll see) I'm hitting the clubs. I'm having FUN. And it's a blast. I've met a ton of new people and I've made a ton of friends. But....at the same time I haven't lost sight of who I am on the other end of the spectrum too. As I go out and try to fill the void I have inside me, I still desire, eventually, to sit back down on the couch with someone, cuddle up in front of a movie, and relax. I still live for the simple things - holding hands, going for walks, dinner and a movie, cuddling, heart to hearts - and that is what I am going to be actively looking for (Call me gay all you want - that's my style). I don't know if there are many girls who are into that right now - the current 'crop' of girls I've met and hung with seem to be interested in the random hook up/move up style, and that's fine. It was never really me - not that I wouldn't, but it's not what I live for or what I ultimately want. I thought I had that perfect girl and I was incredibly wrong. But I've got hope, based upon a few people I met and the few qualities said perfect girl did have. So we'll see how that works out. I mean, there's got to be at least one person out there not interested in an asshole, right? ;-)

- One final topic to wrap up (Though i don't feel like i've addressed enough - so more blogging in the future!) I've decided to do something in my life I honestly never expected. In fact, if things hadn't turned out the way they did with said girl, I would've never opened myself up to this possibility (Thanks for that, love). But I did, and here I am. I'm looking down a new road in front of me, and I'm excited by it. I am thrilled at the oppertunity I have here, and I am confident about the decision I've made. I anticipate a lot of self-growth and discovery along the way, along with a lot of other positive things too. I can't/won't go into detail about it right now, but I will say that those who know me and know this, thank you for sticking by me with it (Oh, and that when said girl hears about it, if she hasn't already, it will, almost assuredly, destroy any future contact from her). It's a big decision and some big changes coming down the pipe, but that's what it's all about right now - change. Given the pieces I'm trying to pick up and the fact I was forced to re-evaluate everything I held firm (Thanks, again) I maintain confidence that this is a good thing and a good, if totally unexpected or anticipated, step in a right direction.



That'll do it - I'd hope updates will be more frequent (And shorter!) but we'll see how it plays out. You guys are the best - goodnight and God speed ^_^.